Time To Attack The Label. Sadly These Are Not Part Of a Fable!

The cat was reading one of these things the other day and it sounded so stupid and redundant I had to give them a go at my bay. So time for some label fun, as I give some of the most pathetic a run.

"Cleans and refreshes without soap or water. Contains: Water, fragrance & soap."

Hmm I think somewhere along the way some wires got crossed or maybe they sucked on some unwanted exhaust. As it seems they contain what they say they don't need. Probably would have been a good idea if they had decided to re-read.

"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

So you don't need to purchase to be a winner but the details on how to win are inside what will spoil your dinner. Maybe it means after you buy one then no purchase necessary, either way seems they won.

"Remove the plastic wrapper."

On said instructions that you can't see until your remove the plastic wrapper. Doesn't these make them seem like an oh so wise flapper?

"The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position."

Do I even need to get into this one? The on's are there a ton. So even though I'm on, I won't go on and on at my lawn. No button to turn me on, is my on a con?

"Optional modem required."

I think someone needs a dictionary before they speak or their brains have begun to leak.

"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

So you take a sleeping pill to sleep right? To help you sleep through the night. I always thought to get to sleep you have to be drowsy during the course of it. Maybe it's a super secret way so you can sleep as soon as you sit.

"Do not eat if seal is missing."

Now this would be a wise thing to say so no food is tainted your way. But guess what? It must have been written by a mutt. As it says it on the seal. So if the seal is lost, you'll still think you've got the real deal.

"Warning: May contain nuts."

If you buy a package of peanuts and you expect chicken. I think you've been stricken with one too many blows to the head. For your common sense is dead.

"Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball."

So you buy a toy ball and you have to be told at your hall that the ball is a small ball. What next? Telling you it will bounce off the wall.

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

Where the hell else are you going to put it? Some deep dark pit? Outerspace? I think whoever wrote this should hide their face.

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

And the best of them all. You just bought a Superman costume for your kid at the mall. Now you have to be told it doesn't fly. Damn! You really should have bought the suit of that Spiderman guy. At least you could swing. No flying must sting.

Some facts on these things should be looked over fifty thousand times. But at least they make for good rhymes. The worst part of it all though, as there are nuts out there that need this to show. So if you believe a Superman suit can make you fly. All I have left to do is sigh and tell you to get a loonie bin pass. And that's all the labels today from my little rhyming ass.

Enjoy your winter, smash a printer.


  1. Great concept man, those ads always are weird and it's definitely worth cross examining them to say the very least.

    1. haha yeah they are quite weird indeed
      Telling people the blantantly obvious when they try to get you to take heed

  2. I love stuff like this; I was already familiar with quite a few of them. Too many good ones to pick a favorite! And there are also a lot of anti-depressant medications which warn you that they may cause suicidal thoughts. Something wrong there, too!

    1. I saw those too
      But figured that might turn some blue
      And then I'd have to put a warning label as well
      In case the rope went around ones neck and the chair beneath them fell..hahaha

  3. LOL they all made me to laugh so hard i had tears rolling down my eyes ... what about writing to the those who fabric these, i wonder what smart answers we would get ... haha
    'for indoor and outdoor use only' - omg ... hahahaha! i'm wandering on which was this label on ... lol lol lol :-)))
    thanks for the laugh today!

    1. hahaha that would be an interesting idea too
      Although I'm sure they'd make some more nonsense come due
      Yeah indoor and outdoor
      Guess if won't work at some far off alien shore

  4. My all time favorite label is ..."It May Cause Death". Which seems to be in a lot of prescription pill ads here lately as well.
    Good post, I liked "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

    1. LOL yeah that put that on almost everything
      Just letting it fling
      As friggin dental floss or a toothpick can cause death if done right
      As can anything else in sight

  5. hahahaha. i like the first :p

    i think there was a case of a kid who wore a superman costume and jumped to death some time ago.

    1. Yeah I figured it was over legal ramification and such
      As some people are a bit out of touch
      Always have to cover their behind
      But it works well to use for posts from my mind

    2. The only "proof" of the kid jumping off a roof thinking he was Superman -- a popular urban legend -- was an aside in a TIME Magazine article about Superman in 1939. And they didn't even back up their story with the name of the kid.

      More on the Superman story in this post, if anyone cares. :)


    3. Figured you would be the one to dispel myth from fact
      When it comes to such a comic act

  6. I suspect some of the ones connected to safety and health ( sleeping pills, nuts, superman suit) needed the hopelessly redundant warnings to get their safety and health certification certified.

    I think I liked the first one the best.

    1. Yeah that would be the reason
      Just in case anyone did something with them that wasn't pleasin'
      And they covered their ass
      To get a legal pass

  7. hi, pat! hope you are well!
    i am always amazed at your talent. you are truly talented... and i always have a good laugh reading your posts. my common sense is sometimes dead.... hahaha have a gerat wknd!


    1. Glad I can amaze
      As you come to gaze
      And yeah common sense is often dead
      Bringing forth such dread

  8. "Do not eat if seal is missing."
    oh, the seal is missing and we can't eat until it is found? My penguins will search the North Pole to find the baby seal! Penguins to the rescue!

    1. LOL let me know if they find it
      I'm sure that will be a news worthy hit
      Maybe even an epic movie can be made
      And your penguins could get paid

    2. lol at Dez.
      missing seal...call out the search party for the cute little thing.
      maybe a fish bait home it will bring!

    3. Betsy, I just hope Pat the Cat didn't eat the baby seal himself, he did express a wish to eat up one of the primordial squirrels at my place the other day :(

    4. Oh we can't have that!
      What a naughty cat!
      We'll have to leave him on a floating ice berg
      if we find he ate the little squirt.

    5. I'm with Betsy Pat, we can have none of that! To upset Dez so, well that just won't go, he's my darling, my sweet, my pet. So keep your claws off that squirrel you bad, bad cat!!

    6. yeah, and keep your claws off the penguins and seals, too
      or the animal rights people will come after you!
      :) ...or maybe Anne! lol...

    7. yep, you ladies need to cancel cat's portion of tuna this weekend, he's been a bad Pat :)

    8. Are we talking about Orlin or Pat here?
      Neither eats tuna, I fear.
      One eats chicken and one eats steak
      one with tp a mess likes to make.

    9. Oh now your three are just rude
      I'm going to find that seal dude
      And the cat will chow down
      With his tp crown..haha

    10. We'll have Save The Seal t-shirts made
      and through the icy waters to save him we'll wade!

    11. Catch hypothermia if you want
      I'll get that seal and only its ghost will haunt

    12. Oh say it's not true, that cat this won't do, to hunt then to haunt that ghost of a seal will come back for you.

    13. I think it's time to pull our biggest guns here, the penguins obviously can't scare the squirrel eating cat, methinks we shall call our special guy to the rescue, here he is:

    14. Bah if it comes to haunt
      The cat will taunt
      Or call Buffy or the Winchesters to scare it away
      And tell it to have a nice day
      As far as the scary bear goes
      The cat will bite of its toes
      Then it cat run very far
      And I'll hire Fox to run it down with a big car..haha

    15. oh no! I think we'll loose
      whoever get's hit by the Fox will die, it's true!
      that will be the end
      and the cat will win.
      But can you afford the Fox?
      He'll want lots of money in a box!

    16. The cat will rob and steal
      To get enough money for the deal
      Then Fox can run them down
      And leave them a smudge in the road of some town

    17. how on Earth did we end up in some town when we started with a seal lost at North Pole?

    18. hahaha the cat likes to travel near and far
      Plus we all jumped in Fox's car

    19. yeah, it's safer inside his car
      than on the outside in front, by far!

    20. hahaha very true
      Don't want to see him in your rear view

    21. Then we could be back-seat-drivers.
      I would if would survive...errrr,
      I rather doubt he'd like that much
      having us critique his driving and such.

      Have you sent out a warning, by the way
      to the new Easter Bunny, just to say
      to beware of a Silver Fox
      or you'll wind up in a pine box!

    22. hahaha yeah he'd get mad
      And a fun time might not be had
      No one will take the Easter Bunny gig
      They are all afraid of getting run down by his rig
      I guess the kiddies are out of luck this year
      Unless some bunny decides to kick it into gear

  9. LMAO I cracked up at the for outdoor & indoor use only. I suppose that's a little silly considering there is no where else to use it. hahahaha

    Most of these are there b/c some dum dum sued companies for not warning them about common sense. McDonalds got sued by some lady for spilling coffee on herself and getting burned. AND she WON?! Now every coffee cup says "Caution: Contents may be hot". Like really? For the love of God, it's a COFFEE CUP. Coffee = Hot!!!! Sigh...

    1. hahaha maybe it was for astronuats or something like that
      Although space is still kinda out doors to all including the cat
      So who knows where they mean
      That it shouldn't be seen

      Yeah that would be the case
      So the companies don't get egg on their face
      Not literally like you of course..LOL
      But so the dum dum doesn't sue without remorse
      That is just sad that she won
      Kind of like the Seinfeld episode that was done
      LOL well maybe they expect the cup to be cold and the coffee to be hot
      If one could invent a cup like that they'd make alot

    2. The lady won because the coffee was hot enough to cause third degree burns! Check this out: http://silverfoxlair.blogspot.com/2010/10/hot-topic.html

    3. I read that she won the lawsuit but if I poured coffee on my legs at home, I'd have 3rd degree burns. So, I'm not sure I agree with that jury.

    4. Your coffee is that hot? Hmmm... If I come to visit, I'll ask for plenty of milk in mine, to cool it off!

    5. I'll give you the mug that says "Hot coffee is...well, HOT!" :)

    6. That'll work.

      Okay, I'll be there ASAP, doll.

    7. should I pour it now so it has time to cool off?

    8. I like the way you think! Or have I told you that before?

    9. If someone can't wise up and are clutsy enough to drop it on themselves, thinking it isn't hot
      They deserve to suffer with their brain rot.

    10. Whether the coffee is hot enough for 3rd degree burns or 2nd degree burns or w/e degree, the coffee's still hot. Don't let it touch your skin. If you can't handle that, you shouldn't be drinking coffee!

      Accidents happen and you spill on yourself, but do you go suing for that? No way!!!!

    11. Yeah it's like suing the person who built a wall
      Because you ran into it at your hall
      Or who built the chair
      As you stubbed your toe on it at your lair
      If you spill it on yourself accident or not
      You have to know it is going to be hot
      Stupid that she won it
      But that's the legal pit

    12. Well, my angle is that they served it an an unsafe temperature, almost boiling. What if she hadn't spilled it? What if she just drank it when they handed it to her, without adding any cream, and it badly burned her mouth and throat? Still her own damned fault? Why, because she assumed that a product she was served was safe to drink? I would have, too. It wasn't just her being stupid and clumsy. They've had hundreds of complaints, and still serve their coffee at unsafe temperatures. I'm glad someone finally slapped them down.

    13. I see the point when put that way
      And I suppose if they were doing it they deserve a slap down at their bay
      But does one deserve money for being a clutsy thing
      I guess that's the stupid lawyers who get into that ring

    14. I see your angle, but, if I'm ordering a hot beverage I'm blowing on it first. I'm making sure it's cool enough before it enters my mouth. If I order a coffee, and it's not hot then I will complain. You can feel the temperature of something before it actually enters your mouth just by the steam coming out of it and the temperature of the cup. I guarantee that if you were served that cup of coffee, you would've have double checked it before you actually sipped it. Besides, if the water wasn't boiled imagine all the nasty little germ creatures that could be swimming inside of it. Bleh! lol

    15. @Jax: I agree with you. I'd check it and blow on it, too. But in her case, I guess it'd be hard to blow on it when it was between her legs. (I could add something there, but I'm going to behave.) :)

      @Pat: Well, my attitude was that I was "glad someone finally slapped them down." But why couldn't it have been one of us who benefited while they were getting "slapped," haha?

    16. LOL I'll take the heat over the nasty germs any day
      Those germs cause my ocd dismay..hahaha

      hahahahaha don't think anything needs to be added there
      As the cat catches on rather quick at his lair
      True if it was one of us that be just grand
      Wouldn't care if it made me a hypocrite at my land..hahaha
      But then it would not be between my legs at all
      If I'm going to burn something it sure as heck won't be a ummm ball

  10. haha!

    "For indoor or outdoor use only." You are not allowed to use it indoors and then use it outdoors or vice versa, I guess.

    "You could be winner" -- the reason why I stopped subscribing to Reader's Digest...

    1. That could be the case
      Only use it in one place
      And then can't use it in the other one
      To have your fun
      Yeah alot of that is crap
      As you do have to buy it like some sap

  11. Hahah Love these. Even if there's probably some requirement to have it on most of the products it's just so silly.

    1. haha yeah it is pretty silly
      But then some poor guy named Willy
      Will do the act
      And sue if it wasn't there, sad fact

  12. but i want to fly high in the sky, so let me wear it, until i fall and go "oh sh%T!' i might have forgotten to take off the plastic first, yeah new and improved just mean the logos been moved on the package and there are some that need the warnings and reduntant language to keep them from suing you know...

    1. Hey, I won't stop you
      If you want to fly high and take in the view
      Just remember it will get clearer and clearer as you fall
      And you don't bounce like a ball..haha
      Yep all about avoiding the lawsuit
      Making them go this ridiculous route

  13. Really Pat, this is funny and real, also sometime I dont read the labels (lol) anyway maybe I would have to do:)

    1. hahaha yeah I barely read them at my sea
      But sometimes they are given a go by me
      And are fun to read
      Then make fun of at my feed

  14. They're telling you not to use it in the vacuum of space clearly. It's not safe to use it there.

    1. haha okay I think I'm safe from those peskt black holes
      And alien flag poles

  15. I hate hearing "I could be a winner"

    those corporate cheapskates would even give me a cheap TV dinner.

    1. LOL yeah that is very true
      I bet there isn't even one winner that comes due

  16. That is why I was confused when I bought the Christmas lights..I didn't know if its for inside or outside the house...and the last one is funny.
    I try to read labels though..especially expiration dates :-)

    1. Oh yeah the exp dates one has to read
      Or could toss up ones feed
      Nasty sight
      And awful plight..haha
      Sure Santa will come either way
      Although outside he can see your display

    2. Well I ended up just using it indoors~

      And I am going to guess that you will play the D'verse prompt tomorrow ~ I am sure there are lots of fun marble stuff you can get ~

    3. haha at least you only picked one
      Sure Santa still found you and had fun
      Actually I went all profound
      Tomorrow at my ground
      As I had one one on the backburner for a while
      And it just fit with the dVerse mile

  17. Underwear
    "Warning: May Contain Nuts"
    But, beware...
    For it also has butts

    1. Some might have a dirty crack
      Could give a heart attack
      Or at least a stain
      That will forever imprint on your brain

  18. haha...love them all...think i need to read more of these small-print stuff...seems like it can be highly amusing...and what a pity that the superman costume doesn't make one fly...i would've bought it immediately..

    1. Yeah I would have bought one too
      Although spandex leaves a lot out there to view
      So maybe we are better off without it
      Still could be a hit..haha

  19. Not in rhyme...

    My roommate in college was complaining about the tag on her pillow that said "Do not remove by penalty of law". It was scratchy and she hated that tag. I said, "Cut if off!" but she said she couldn't because it was against the law! lol. :) I said..I'm pretty sure that is meant to be on there before it is purchased. Once it's in your home, you can cut it off. Who will know?

    Oh my gosh. hahaha.

    1. LOL that is pretty bad
      The cat pulled it off thinking a fun time was had
      I don't think they'll send him to the clink
      Or that tearing tags off would bring them to the brink

  20. Oh...just remembered...

    same roommate...

    Said she was frustrated because of the "lather, rinse, repeat" instruction on her shampoo. She thought she was wasting shampoo and didn't need the second lather. I told her nobody would arrest her for not doing the double shampoo.

    Oh dear.

    1. What she think she had to do?
      Follow every friggin rule like it was true?
      That is even worse than the first
      Did a can have to say "drink this to quench your thirst"
      Before she would drink it
      One little bit..lol

    2. haha...I got more demerits than her
      that is for sure.

    3. LOL you were the rebel tearing off those tags
      And mouthing off to old hags?...hahaha

    4. and shampooing once
      not twice like a dunce

    5. hahaha bet you had fun with her
      Prob better off with all the cats and their fur..haha

    6. csts are so smart, it is true
      more than many humans, too!
      Yeah we got along just great
      but some things she said really did rate!

    7. Better than the roomate I had
      He was a pain in the ass lad

  21. And...I'm sure Silver ran to check the tag in his cape
    how disappointing a flight he can't make!

    1. Neither Batman nor Zorro can fly anyway!

    2. look at yourself, dear...in that avatar! :)

    3. But I'm not trying to fly, doll! Haha!

    4. Didn't have to! I know who has which powers. :)

    5. the real super hero, of course
      but for someone in a costume?
      are you telling me that you're the real Super Man? ;)

    6. Well, real or fake, that's a Batman costume in my avatar, so I wouldn't be trying to fly either way.

      Anyway, my capes have a tendency to disappear!

    7. really? I thought that only happened once. :)

    8. One very memorable time...

      Hey, it's not like I dress up like that very often.

    9. ok...just checking. With capes being and tendency meaning a pattern...I was confused. :)

    10. Must be because that one time was so memorable...

    11. Not sure memorable moments need to be heard by the cat
      Or that dirty human Pat..haha

  22. Is the population of humans so dumb they have to told all this or are there too many lawyers, it's hard to guess. They should put a warning on alcohol that says "Drinking this may cause you to embarrass yourself in public places" It certainly would have helped me out!!

    1. LOL hey maybe you can sue
      Because that warning didn't come due
      Sure there have been worse cases
      That went off to the races
      And yeah it's a toss up between the two
      Either or could be true

  23. The name made me laugh, but the header cat made me laugh more.

    My dad once tried to defrost a pork chop in the toaster...so some people need all manner of warnings.~Mary

    1. LOL I suppose some people do indeed
      So that they take heed
      Or maybe they just need to read
      Before trying to feed

  24. You never notice how bad a medicine is making you feel till after you stop taking it

    1. That is true too
      One sometimes doesn't have a clue

  25. These kinds of labels always crack me up. There is so much thought that goes into packaging, and yet the most comical of errors still slip through.

    My favorite: "Attention: Product Will Be Hot When Heated."

    1. LOL that's a good one too
      Never came across that one for a view
      They are quite funny to read
      As they tell people obvious stuff from which they should heed

  26. I had a nice laugh going through these. Great stuff.

    1. Glad a laugh was had
      As these things are pretty bad

  27. "For indoor or outdoor use only." Maybe they mean you can't use it inside of you. ;)

    1. Hmmm that could be
      Since some might swallow it at their sea

    2. Or something more flirty
      That is just dirty

  28. Label are a bit ridiculous, but look at some of the morons who buy the products! They might need to be told that the Superman costume doesn't fly!

    1. LOL yeah very true
      There are lots of morons out there that come into view
      And think the thing can do this and that
      Then whine when they fall flat

  29. Hubby just asked "What the HELL are you laughing at?!!"

    Cracked me up, especially the indoor and outdoor use only one.

    Off to fly in my suit now.

    And to check if my toy ball is labeled as such, otherwise I'll remain real confused about it. :)


    Oh, and Pat, You ARE a winner in my books, no "may" be about it!

    1. LOL such fun to make people think the readers are crazy
      As they come to my shore so I try not to be lazy
      Check that ball and suit
      They may go together and be quite the hoot
      Yippee a winner
      And not a sinner
      At least to bad
      As some fun is had..hahaha

  30. Very clever and funny.
    This post's right on the money.

    1. Right on the money
      If I could get the no purchase necessary win I'd be real sunny..hahaha

  31. I love these stupid warnings! I may need them in the mornings.

    1. haha if one is up late
      True could be ones fate

  32. Am I real glad
    To be rid off the ads
    Some are just plain puny
    And some are just that funny
    To think the public is stupid
    Suggesting ideas that split
    I'd rather give them the slip
    And enjoy others for a fillip!


    1. I'd be glad to be rid of them too
      Lucky you
      They think many are dumb
      Then again many also beat to the tune of that drum

  33. Replies
    1. That be fun
      Just don't get too close to the sun

  34. i love your creativeness with these rhymes, keep up the good work!

    1. It will be kept up night and day
      Here at my bay

  35. ah the oh so frustrating yet amusing quirks companies are forced to issue in fear of being sued over the tritest of details. I see stuff like this all the time, laughing all the way, glad you supplied so many hear at your bay, had me cracking up with so many reminders of what is out there in play, and that somebody, somewhere created these "warnings" and for that they got paid

    1. LOL I never really thought about the paid aspect of it
      But yeah they were made up to prevent getting sued by a nitwit
      And someone actually got paid for doing that
      Now that would be a job for the cat..haha

  36. "The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position." Hahahaha you must be joking. I bought myself some toilet paper the other day - you know, a six pack but different - and it said in a boastful way: 'NEW SYSTEM! EASY TO OPEN!' Easy to open? WTF? It's inside a plastic wrapper as thin as Schwarzie in 2012. 'Easy to open' - I still don't know what they meant... and I'm proud of it, Pat. DuckTales the Movie, by the way, was great.
    - RC

    1. hahahaha hmmm maybe people struggle to open place one mm thicker or something
      So they made it one mm thinner and now their arms won't fling
      As they can't open it
      And have a fit
      Yeah the movie is great
      But stupid Disney won't release it so I can add it to my plate


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